Meaning II

When I first became a mother, just over a year ago, I was asked if my life has since gained more meaning, which I wrote about here. I rejected the idea that my life before baby lacked meaning. Reflecting more deeply on this, for me, the meaning I believe I’ve gained has a lot to do with how my child has become the nucleus of my entire life.

In the past, I pondered my choices and actions, and wondered how life would have turned out had I done this instead of that, or accepted this offer instead of that. I still ponder, though today, the possibility of altering the direction of my life, and risking alternative routes that may divert from my present is too distressing a possibility to linger on. Distressing because I would not dare risk anything that may delete my child’s presence in my life right now.

Yes, I could have done this, and was idiotic to reject that, and still, today, with my baby having her morning nap as I write, I dare not risk altering the course of history lest it leads me away from this gift in my life. A gift, until I had her, had no wish for.

I believe in fate, though I hope not in a fatalistic way. I follow the Arabic expression: use your mind, then rely on God. Namely, make plans and endeavor to execute them, and ultimately, your life is always in God’s hands. My grandfather quoted this, and lived by it, and he was a very ambitious and goal oriented person, and yet, was able to accept when life didn’t quite go to his particular plan. And as an Iraqi, his life certainly didn’t go to plan, as the country went from revolution to war to sanctions to whatever state it’s in today! He found meaning, and so the sensical wasn’t always in question.

I consider all those in the world who are suffering right now. From wars to natural disasters, cancer to bereavement; how to make sense of all this in the context of faith? Maybe we choose to accept because if we struggle to make sense of what life hands us, our alternative is to make meaning instead.